it only hurts the first time.

i decided it was time to say goodbye to my livejournal that i've had since high school. that is not to say however that i will not periodically post archived gems from my senior year of high school just to make sure no one ever mistakes me for being cool.

while i am customarily a huge fan of it in real life, i have little tolerance for the foreplay that occurs when people create blogs or journals. that is, people who feel the need to meticulously inform potential readers of who they are, what they do, et al. if you don't mind baby, let's just skip it this one time. i'll forget your name by the morning anyway.

i got back from providence 2 days ago. i was there for a week visiting brendan, and it was a pretty fantastic week if i do say so myself. it was one gigantic blur of shows, booze, vegan pizza and full-force, balls to the wall raging. my sojourn may have solidified my desire to live there, but i'm thinking one more trip is in order before i make that call for sure - that's a long way to move just for the hell of it. at some point certain anecdotes may present themselves to my memory as worthwhile to recall, but for now my mind is too cloudy. it's been clouded with the most awful feelings and ideas ever since i began my journey back home to indianapolis, actually. it was the strangest thing - horrible ominous feelings of my life disintegrating before my eyes punctuated a week where i was utterly blissful at any given moment. i believe it went something like this:

girl has routine.

girl leaves routine for a week of harmless (?) fun.

girl steps outside comfort zone and is rewarded handsomely.

girl realizes her life sucks.

girl comes home to said life.

girl has existential crisis, e.g. "...but, what does it all MEAN?!?"

i'm being very flippant about all of this because i expect that i will see this through just like i do everything else, but the reality of the situation is that what's going on in my head and heart right now is scaring the shit out of me. apparently, it's scaring a lot of people close to me as well. my mother called me this evening and begged me to move home. i described my horrid thoughts and feelings to a close friend expecting to be told to rent reality bites and get over it. instead, i was emphatically told that yes, it sounds like i am indeed having some sort of breakdown. oh, wonderful. i chose to step back and examine my place instead of riding the downward spiral to dementia like it was a mechanical bull headed straight for hell. i separated, broke down, and analyzed the garbled strings of ideas in my head. believe me, that was not easy to do. when i say garbled, i mean garbled. picture a double helix orgy. i digested the information and threw together a hasty plan of action. it begins tonight.

step one has already been completed, which was to drown my sorrows in chinese food. the only gentlemen callers i get are the delivery guys from happy garden. i live a glamorous life.

step two is to prepare for a mental/lifestyle housecleaning by orchestrating a literal housecleaning. studies have shown (and i am definitely no exception) that people work more efficiently, think clearer, and are in general much happier in a clean and organized environment. i have horribly neglected my little home for weeks now. i have a freshly brewed pot of coffee to fuel the mission.

step three is to sit down and ask myself a lot of very difficult questions and refuse to take "i don't know" for an answer. this is one of the few instances in my life where i will quell the side of me that is an emotionless robot and ask my heart for it's opinion. i'll let you know how that goes.

step four is to get some sleep, but who knows how well that will work. it's 10pm and i'm about to start cleaning my house.

i have the next 2 days off and i expect i will use that time to continue cleaning/organizing as well as draw up a detailed action plan for my life. it is going to entail one or more of the following: change the way i live in indianapolis or move somewhere completely different. it makes no sense right now, but it will soon.

on my way to providence, i finished the christopher hitchens book i'd been reading. it's called god is not great: how religion poisons everything. i enjoyed it immensely. i saw on the way home that he'd written an article for the atlantic, so i bought the issue. i'll read it in the next couple of days and bring my thoughts to the table. 

before that occurs though, i believe i will finally publish my treatise on monogamy. that'll be a fun one.

my fortune cookie tasted more like oranges than usual tonight. the fortune inside was odd. it said, "frequent conversations will fill your heart with joy." the timing of that fortune was cruelly hilarious. my heart is particularly low on joy right now, so if any of you feel that you just might be the conversationalist to which my fortune refers, make yourselves known. fill my heart with joy, i dare you.