by the skin of my teeth.

sometimes it is hard to reconcile my lack of belief in any sort of omnipotent creator with the events that occur in my life. i do not believe in god, fate, destiny, the easter bunny or voodoo, but sometimes i have no other choice but to believe that the energy we put out into the world is reciprocal.

in this age of endless technology and a disturbing connectivity to one another, it is not hard to find out who someone is, or what they think about any given topic. it is for this reason i am choosing to refrain from discussing details of my job or the people i work with, both for my protection and theirs. i apologize if some of this will come off as cryptic to those who are not familiar with those areas of my life. with that being said, a couple of weeks ago i did something very scary. it was the "right" thing to do in terms of ethics and human decency, but scary nonetheless. i broke a year of silence that surrounded a store governed by fear because i couldn't take it any more. in the corporate world, this almost always ends badly for someone who does what i did. if one is to make this move, they must take the highest caution to ensure that they are beyond reproach because it almost always comes to pass that one's own performance and code of ethics is called into question as well. if that test is passed, there is certainly the option that one could be labeled a "whistleblower" or a "snitch" and let's be honest - all corporations do dishonest things. they're not trying to staff girl scouts and saints, they're trying to make money. one takes the risk of being thanked for their information, reassured that it will be investigated, and then sent packing. if you're not fired, you'll quit eventually because your life will be made miserable by those who clawed through the rubble of whatever human resources bombing campaign you instigated.

i very nearly lost my job today. i was called into a meeting (on my day off, no less) with a higher up who is in from out of town visiting my workplace. my performance was layed out on the examination table as if it were my own body. the clothing of my aloof and professional disposition was stripped off and the fluorescent light of authority was forced upon me. naked, my business results and intentions were poked and prodded by the cold, sterile instruments of "effectiveness." when they saw the blood they were hoping for, they made an offer: if we allow you to stay, we want you to step down. i emerged from the ordeal alive, but feeling very, very violated. i went home to think about what had transpired. in a last ditch effort to preserve my integrity and good name, i made one last phone call. i believe that might have been the phone call that saved me. i was called back a few moments later on a conference call. my desired result from that very first phone call a couple of weeks ago had manifested itself. i wasn't being asked to leave. i was still asked to consider the offer of stepping down, but there would be no ultimatum issued. and oh yes, would it be possible for me to give up my day off tomorrow to work, because they now needed some help with scheduling coverage seeing as how we are suddenly down one staff member. i said yes. 

of course, i am not out of the woods yet. i'm still reeling from how i pulled this off to be frank. in my opinion, i've bought myself time to think more about where my life is headed as opposed to being thrust into a hastily compassed direction. i have a lot to prove to people going forward, and it is sure to be an uphill battle. i need to send that woman a thank you card. i was on the phone with a friend after the whole ordeal and saw i had another incoming call. i asked her if she recognized the area code, and she said she didn't. i checked my voicemail later and it was my human resources manager, calling me from her cell phone on her way home from the office to make sure that, despite the fact i said i was okay, i was actually okay. if i believed in heaven, i would be sure she was headed straight there.

which brings me to the heart of the post: karmic retribution - mythical hoopla or sound living? on principle i am inclined to go with the former. however, stepping back from all of this and taking another look, i'm not so sure. could it be possible that the best of intentions can honestly pay off in the end? i certainly hope so. the battle might be over, but my good intentions are all i have to use as armor for the war.

more later tonight, perhaps. i'm off to tip the karmic scales with a celebratory dinner.