"stress management," or "how to gain weight in a remarkably short amount of time"

it is a relatively quiet sunday morning in indianapolis, save for the ambulance that just tore ass by my apartment. i woke up this morning around 10, which was quite a feat when you take into consideration the way i spent my previous evening.

oh, i just said apartment. yes. i moved into the apartment a couple of weeks ago. it is not with my ideal roommate, unfortunately. in fact, the status of my cohabitation is awkward to say the least. let's just leave it at the fact that i wanted this apartment really, really badly. with that being said, i've been working a lot lately to reverse the sad state of affairs that is my checking account and thusly have not shouldered my part of the burden that is unpacking. i decided this morning i would get up and attempt to weasel my way back into a certain someone's good graces (one would think that after 3 years of this person in my life, i would remember that it is relatively impossible) by unpacking the kitchen and cleaning up last night's good time. i gathered my ammunition - this morning it comes in the form of cleaning supplies and coffee - and quietly began to settle in. my coffee was fantastic, in case you were wondering. my friend jesse was kind enough to send me a pound from the coffee shop he runs in syracuse. if you ever find yourself in syracuse, new york, do everything in your power to visit recess coffee. after finishing the kitchen i decided to take a break. i left the apartment and took my coffee to the fire escape to watch the neighborhood for a while. there wasn't much to watch. it was eerily still. the only sounds to be taken in were the hums of window units, trying in vain to counter the horrific temperatures that go along with urban living in the summer, and some birds. i couldn't tell what kind of birds they were. i'm not good with that sort of thing anyway.

i have been craving affection recently to a ravenous extent, but i will not reach out to anyone. it angers me to no end that i still desire it from him, as i am beginning to emerge from the fog of very, very deep love and realizing that i don't like him much as a person. i abhor those who are dishonest, whether it is outright lies or hiding things. dishonesty by omission is the name of the game. i wouldn't care about it so much if he would just be frank with me. the situation is very similar to withholding or prohibiting something from a child - they will want it that much more. the mystery behind it is maddening and causes the imagination to produce scenarios and possibilities more fantastic than that which is actual. and yes, i am the child in this situation in more ways than one. perhaps he conceals it because he knows i do not approve. perhaps he conceals it because he feels it is none of my business, to which my response is indignation and outrage. we are close friends and confidants at the very least, so the idea that something is off limits is astounding to me. i hide nothing from him, even the things that i might be better off in keeping tucked away. it kills me that he won't talk to me. it kills me. kills me.

my life in boxes.

my life cannot be summed up with one blog of terse statements and wry humor at the moment, but i feel the need to update so it is made clear that i am still breathing. so, until the dust settles and i live to tell the tale, i'm going to post a poem about one of my cats. i wrote it a couple of years ago. my cats are infallible creatures.

ode to an obese tabby

oh, wu-cat.
as i sit here in the wee hours, frantically trying
to map out the next 5 years of my life or so, nothing seems tangible
or consistent.
yet i know
that you will be here
on my arm, as i am trying to type
for at least the next 45 minutes.
do you know why this is, little wu?
why it is that, despite the fact
the constant tapping of the keyboard
the incessant tensing and relaxing of my right forearm beneath your furry folds
cannot be soothing or comfortable for you
you will stay here until i move you?
it is because you weigh 17 pounds.
yes! that’s right!
if you were a human infant
you would have been birthed by caesarean section.
actually, who knows if you would have been birthed at all.
with an in utero weight that astounding
you could’ve killed your mother
and yourself.
but thankfully, you are not a human infant.
you’re a tabby. a grown-ass man tabby.
your source of girth is from consumption of the souls of the weak
and the rest of kiki’s food
when she walks away
during meal times.

someday, my little gentleman
i will buy you a bowtie.