y control.

you know, this whole insomnia thing is only charming for the first week or so. after that i just feel like i want to die. no, i feel like i could die. 

i wish i was coherent enough to give this post a theme and artfully piece together a work of clever, vividly detailed prose. instead i think i'm just going to purge whatever's in my head because let's not kid ourselves, purging is an art i am familiar with. internet word vomit - that's what al gore invented the internet for, right? and please, spare me your cracks about the internet being made for porn. have you seen internet porn lately? it's a truly sad state of affairs.

tonight after clark left my house i found myself sitting on my porch with one of my cats and a glass of inexpensive but delightfully tasty wine in hand. normally i would use that opportunity to call a friend i'd been meaning to call back or reading for a bit or inviting someone over, but instead i just sat. i sat and watched the sky. yes, i realize how embarrassingly cliche and vapid that sounds. initially i was drawn to it by noticing how quickly the clouds were moving. that led to me wondering approximately how quickly they were moving, which reminded me how quickly the earth moves. need i remind you that the earth both spins and rotates simultaneously? i tried to reconcile in my mind what i knew with what i was seeing: knowing how impossibly fast our planet moves and how far away things really are with how still the earth feels, and how languidly the clouds ambled across that limitless backdrop. what i knew and what i saw could not converge at that moment; it was beyond my mental capacity. regardless, i was content and comforted to think of such things. then my phone rang.

well i was wrong, it never lasts and this is no - there is no - modern romance.

i will do my best to ensure a proper update on all of the things that are happening when i get home from work, but it may not happen. i am obligated by the scornful eye of crom to attend a show tonight, though i would largely prefer takeout and a quiet night on my couch. i've got to stop with all of the happy garden. i mean, seriously. i can't tell if i'm actually gaining weight or just retaining ungodly amounts of water from all of the sodium, but i'll tell you one thing - the other day while i was getting dressed, i think i saw my mirror shed a tear. my scale trembles at the thought of the fury waiting to be unleashed when i finally have the gall to step on it again.

before i pass out, here is the only evidence of my weekend. brian and i at an 80s party on the south side on friday night. i told someone while at the party that 80s themed fêtes really just incite in me this incredible urge to listen to the smiths and make out. the closest i got to that was listening to the smiths and blowing on brian's outstretched tongue after the consumed impossible amounts of an already impossibly palatable hot sauce. those things did not occur at the same time. brian always looks flawless. i look like a zombie with flushed cheeks.

a treatise on monogamy.

before i get into the thick of things, let me just say that i think the guys at happy garden have a crush on me. i was breezing through my house like some sweaty whirlwind, blasting the descendents and spraying method all-purpose cleaner on whatever got in my way. i hear a knock at the door. dinner time! i open my door, sign my receipt, thank the kind gentleman for his time, and set my steaming bag of asian goodness on my dining room table. opening it up, i see not one, but THREE fortune cookies sitting on a piece of cardboard on top, mixed in with my soy sauce and duck sauce. feeling like it was christmas morning, i immediately opened them ALL. here's what they said:

"a new friend helps you break out of an old routine"

"excitement and intrigue follow you wherever you go!"

"the best mirror is a good friend"

i am particularly fond of the second fortune, curious about the first, and rolled my eyes at the third. now that the gods of hot and sour soup have cast my fate upon me, i can rest easy. so, about this monogamy thing...

...this has been a long time coming. why, you might be asking yourselves, would i want to devote any time at all to discussing monogamy? well my dears, it is a complex and tricky thing. it is both personal and professional. because i live in western society, the practice of monogamy is something that has been indoctrinated in me since birth. yet, as i've grown older, i've found myself questioning not only it's place in my life, but also it's validity as the leading type of human pairing. i will briefly discuss the latter and then get to the good stuff - juicy personal details.

there are 3 different types of monogamy currently recognized by biologists: social, sexual, and genetic monogamy. social monogamy refers to a pairing off of two people that includes cohabitation, a sharing of resources (food, money, transportation, etc.), and in some cases a sexual relationship (though social monogamy certainly does not infer a sexual relationship). sexual monogamy refers to two people who are in an exclusive sexual relationship with one another, without any inference to cohabitation. most western relationships are a combination of social and sexual monogamy. the third type is genetic monogamy, and refers to people who only produce offspring with one another, but may cohabitate or have sexual relationships with others. see also: staying together for the kids. i'm no biologist and have only a decent knowledge of cultural and bioanthropology, but what i do know is this: social monogamy (and for the purpose of this piece we'll assume social monogamy includes a sexual relationship) is the most common form of pairing in humans, but it is relatively rare among other mammals. only 7% of all mammals engage in social monogamy. of that 7%, the majority do not engage in sexual monogamy and frequently participate in extra-pair copulations. taking this data into consideration and removing any inkling of speciesism from our systems, how does lifelong social monogamy as dictated by our culture(s) not seem a little unnatural? maybe if lions didn't have to worry about starving they'd pay more attention to who was banging who. infidelity is a first world problem.

don't get it twisted, i don't have anything against monogamy. some of my most rewarding relationships have been not only monogamous, but long-term. i say some, not all. i've learned just as much from non-monogamous relationships as well and have enjoyed them just the same. what's been getting me down lately is the implied notion of ownership that goes along with social monogamy. the idea of people as property has never sat well with me. quite honestly i have come to reject the idea that social monogamy (reminder: i am including sexual relations into this definition) should be the default. rather, it should just be an option. think of everything we go through in life. love, birth, death, loss, transformation, migration, transition, stagnation, mania - these things affect our ability and/or desire for sex and cohabitation. in the interest of practicing humanism we should move away from the idea that 1 + 1 = enough, because it's not. not for everyone, and not all of the time. exploring types of relationships and pairings aside from social monogamy not only makes us capable of fully endorsing equal rights for both men and women, it is additionally a plausible tool for population control. if more people were open to the idea of any ilk of non-monogamy, clearly the need for more thorough sex education and disease prevention would be present. along with this would come a higher priority placed on proper contraceptive use, so as not to procreate with anything that makes googly eyes at you. personally, i am a huge fan of less people having kids. at this point i was going to talk about how monogamy is also one of the many tools of sexual repression shackled onto the ankle of humankind by religion, but i'm exhausted tonight so i'm going to save that for an entry all on its own someday. nothing gets me more hot and bothered than talking about why i hate religion. oh baby.

so where does that leave me, then? i'm going to be honest with you. i want my cake and goddamnit, i want to eat it too. i think about all of the things i have read about the relationship between emma goldman and alexander berkman. they were friends, lovers, and comrades for several decades. they were not always all three of those things at the same time. they had affairs with other people at times and while it may have stung, their commitment to personal equality and autonomy was above all else. to me, that idea is exponentially more romantic than the dead horse that is love at first sight followed by attached at the hip followed by 'til death do us part. i don't suppose i'm ruling out the idea of marriage for myself. sometimes it seems nice, but it's not really the idea of marriage itself that i like. it's that idea of a lifelong companion. i don't need a useless institution as an excuse to wear a pretty dress and have a party. feel free to buy me a kitchenaid mixer and coordinating linens whenever you want, guys (seriously. i mean it about the mixer. any day now...). i'm fed up with not exploring what could pan out with someone extraordinary because of bad timing or guilt or subscribing to someone else's ethics to keep them from going off the deep end. i have never in my life had trouble exclusively committing myself to someone who i believed was worth the investment. however, if i commit myself to someone who does not make every hair on my body stand up, i am being terribly unfair to them and completely cheating myself. and really, why should i not want them to feel the same way? i'm not conceited enough to think that i'm the best anyone's ever had. i'm not naive enough to think that someone i'm with might meet someone one day who would blow me out of the water. and you know what? i think that's great. i had this very conversation with someone not long ago. it went something like this - i said:

"you know, if you came to me now and said 'i just wanted you to know i met someone x amount of days or weeks ago and i thought i might really connect with them so we went out and it was great' i would be SO PISSED at your dishonesty and lack of respect."

"yeah, of course."

"but if you were to come to me now and say 'i met someone recently and it's nothing against you, but i think there might be something there and i think i owe it to myself to explore that option,' i would totally be in support of it."

"...what?"

"yes. don't you see? you're a good person and i want you to be happy and if that happiness comes from someone else, then good for you. but you know what? i also want to be happy, and i would appreciate being respected enough to be afforded the same clemency. ESPECIALLY considering i don't even have to ask for that right from you or anyone - it's already mine."

i could go on, but i think i would be rambling at this point. my ability to articulate is waning. i could talk more specifically about what i want, but it would sound like a personal ad. i'm not that desperate.

i want to make him understand because i want him in my life, but i'm not going to lead a horse to water and syphon that shit down his throat to pretend he's drinking.

by the skin of my teeth.

sometimes it is hard to reconcile my lack of belief in any sort of omnipotent creator with the events that occur in my life. i do not believe in god, fate, destiny, the easter bunny or voodoo, but sometimes i have no other choice but to believe that the energy we put out into the world is reciprocal.

in this age of endless technology and a disturbing connectivity to one another, it is not hard to find out who someone is, or what they think about any given topic. it is for this reason i am choosing to refrain from discussing details of my job or the people i work with, both for my protection and theirs. i apologize if some of this will come off as cryptic to those who are not familiar with those areas of my life. with that being said, a couple of weeks ago i did something very scary. it was the "right" thing to do in terms of ethics and human decency, but scary nonetheless. i broke a year of silence that surrounded a store governed by fear because i couldn't take it any more. in the corporate world, this almost always ends badly for someone who does what i did. if one is to make this move, they must take the highest caution to ensure that they are beyond reproach because it almost always comes to pass that one's own performance and code of ethics is called into question as well. if that test is passed, there is certainly the option that one could be labeled a "whistleblower" or a "snitch" and let's be honest - all corporations do dishonest things. they're not trying to staff girl scouts and saints, they're trying to make money. one takes the risk of being thanked for their information, reassured that it will be investigated, and then sent packing. if you're not fired, you'll quit eventually because your life will be made miserable by those who clawed through the rubble of whatever human resources bombing campaign you instigated.

i very nearly lost my job today. i was called into a meeting (on my day off, no less) with a higher up who is in from out of town visiting my workplace. my performance was layed out on the examination table as if it were my own body. the clothing of my aloof and professional disposition was stripped off and the fluorescent light of authority was forced upon me. naked, my business results and intentions were poked and prodded by the cold, sterile instruments of "effectiveness." when they saw the blood they were hoping for, they made an offer: if we allow you to stay, we want you to step down. i emerged from the ordeal alive, but feeling very, very violated. i went home to think about what had transpired. in a last ditch effort to preserve my integrity and good name, i made one last phone call. i believe that might have been the phone call that saved me. i was called back a few moments later on a conference call. my desired result from that very first phone call a couple of weeks ago had manifested itself. i wasn't being asked to leave. i was still asked to consider the offer of stepping down, but there would be no ultimatum issued. and oh yes, would it be possible for me to give up my day off tomorrow to work, because they now needed some help with scheduling coverage seeing as how we are suddenly down one staff member. i said yes. 

of course, i am not out of the woods yet. i'm still reeling from how i pulled this off to be frank. in my opinion, i've bought myself time to think more about where my life is headed as opposed to being thrust into a hastily compassed direction. i have a lot to prove to people going forward, and it is sure to be an uphill battle. i need to send that woman a thank you card. i was on the phone with a friend after the whole ordeal and saw i had another incoming call. i asked her if she recognized the area code, and she said she didn't. i checked my voicemail later and it was my human resources manager, calling me from her cell phone on her way home from the office to make sure that, despite the fact i said i was okay, i was actually okay. if i believed in heaven, i would be sure she was headed straight there.

which brings me to the heart of the post: karmic retribution - mythical hoopla or sound living? on principle i am inclined to go with the former. however, stepping back from all of this and taking another look, i'm not so sure. could it be possible that the best of intentions can honestly pay off in the end? i certainly hope so. the battle might be over, but my good intentions are all i have to use as armor for the war.

more later tonight, perhaps. i'm off to tip the karmic scales with a celebratory dinner.

it only hurts the first time.

i decided it was time to say goodbye to my livejournal that i've had since high school. that is not to say however that i will not periodically post archived gems from my senior year of high school just to make sure no one ever mistakes me for being cool.

while i am customarily a huge fan of it in real life, i have little tolerance for the foreplay that occurs when people create blogs or journals. that is, people who feel the need to meticulously inform potential readers of who they are, what they do, et al. if you don't mind baby, let's just skip it this one time. i'll forget your name by the morning anyway.

i got back from providence 2 days ago. i was there for a week visiting brendan, and it was a pretty fantastic week if i do say so myself. it was one gigantic blur of shows, booze, vegan pizza and full-force, balls to the wall raging. my sojourn may have solidified my desire to live there, but i'm thinking one more trip is in order before i make that call for sure - that's a long way to move just for the hell of it. at some point certain anecdotes may present themselves to my memory as worthwhile to recall, but for now my mind is too cloudy. it's been clouded with the most awful feelings and ideas ever since i began my journey back home to indianapolis, actually. it was the strangest thing - horrible ominous feelings of my life disintegrating before my eyes punctuated a week where i was utterly blissful at any given moment. i believe it went something like this:

girl has routine.

girl leaves routine for a week of harmless (?) fun.

girl steps outside comfort zone and is rewarded handsomely.

girl realizes her life sucks.

girl comes home to said life.

girl has existential crisis, e.g. "...but, what does it all MEAN?!?"

i'm being very flippant about all of this because i expect that i will see this through just like i do everything else, but the reality of the situation is that what's going on in my head and heart right now is scaring the shit out of me. apparently, it's scaring a lot of people close to me as well. my mother called me this evening and begged me to move home. i described my horrid thoughts and feelings to a close friend expecting to be told to rent reality bites and get over it. instead, i was emphatically told that yes, it sounds like i am indeed having some sort of breakdown. oh, wonderful. i chose to step back and examine my place instead of riding the downward spiral to dementia like it was a mechanical bull headed straight for hell. i separated, broke down, and analyzed the garbled strings of ideas in my head. believe me, that was not easy to do. when i say garbled, i mean garbled. picture a double helix orgy. i digested the information and threw together a hasty plan of action. it begins tonight.

step one has already been completed, which was to drown my sorrows in chinese food. the only gentlemen callers i get are the delivery guys from happy garden. i live a glamorous life.

step two is to prepare for a mental/lifestyle housecleaning by orchestrating a literal housecleaning. studies have shown (and i am definitely no exception) that people work more efficiently, think clearer, and are in general much happier in a clean and organized environment. i have horribly neglected my little home for weeks now. i have a freshly brewed pot of coffee to fuel the mission.

step three is to sit down and ask myself a lot of very difficult questions and refuse to take "i don't know" for an answer. this is one of the few instances in my life where i will quell the side of me that is an emotionless robot and ask my heart for it's opinion. i'll let you know how that goes.

step four is to get some sleep, but who knows how well that will work. it's 10pm and i'm about to start cleaning my house.

i have the next 2 days off and i expect i will use that time to continue cleaning/organizing as well as draw up a detailed action plan for my life. it is going to entail one or more of the following: change the way i live in indianapolis or move somewhere completely different. it makes no sense right now, but it will soon.

on my way to providence, i finished the christopher hitchens book i'd been reading. it's called god is not great: how religion poisons everything. i enjoyed it immensely. i saw on the way home that he'd written an article for the atlantic, so i bought the issue. i'll read it in the next couple of days and bring my thoughts to the table. 

before that occurs though, i believe i will finally publish my treatise on monogamy. that'll be a fun one.

my fortune cookie tasted more like oranges than usual tonight. the fortune inside was odd. it said, "frequent conversations will fill your heart with joy." the timing of that fortune was cruelly hilarious. my heart is particularly low on joy right now, so if any of you feel that you just might be the conversationalist to which my fortune refers, make yourselves known. fill my heart with joy, i dare you.