how could this have happened?

is it really possible that i have not updated since september? i suppose so. the internet never lies, now does it? and neither do we. we coyly omit, we neglect to include details. the movies of our lives in our heads are far more interesting than what is happening in front of us and around us. i must admit that my reasoning for updating is somewhat selfish. the songwriting process in my band is slow and i'm hoping that beginning a stream of broadcasted thought will jar my brain into some ilk of creativity. my band is writing songs at a speed my mind can no longer compete with, and it's time that i sat down and unloaded that which makes my head heavier and heavier each day. many things have transpired since i last decided to share. too many to recount now and the medicine i have taken to help me sleep will surely grip my state of alertness before i can recount it all anyway.

i don't much believe in resolutions, but i decided that i will do 2 things this year lest it become entirely possible that i will find it more logical to end my life that seems more and more directionless: i will go back to school in the summer and not take any other sort of sabbatical until i finish, and i will go abroad. i had been planning on africa and/or the middle east since that is where my professional passion lies, but after a conversation with a very nice couple at work yesterday, they rekindled my desire to go to france. i know it's very passé as an american to want to travel to europe, but i have been a full-blown francophile since i was a little girl. i have taken french every year of school since 7th grade and hold a minor in the language, yet i have never been to a french-speaking country. i find myself spending less time on the internet posting on stupid message boards and online shopping, and more time looking at plane tickets. i am due for a vacation and am in a place where i can afford it, so why not? roundtrip to paris is less than $800 right now. granted it would be far more expensive in the long run to stay there than it would be to spend an extra $700 and go to delhi, dubai or nairobi, but it is something i have wanted for a long time. i think i would like to go to provence. paris is obligatory for at least one day, but provence is calling me. i would like to do this alone i think, scary as it would be for me. i don't know anyone in france anymore. i wouldn't know the first thing about where to stay or what to do, but i'm okay with that. as each day passes, the idea of moving/traveling/accomplishing alone is more and more appealing. perhaps this is connected to my dubious efforts to connect with others. perhaps it is the part of me that wants complete control over everything, and a travel companion inherently denotes compromise of some sort. perhaps as i get older i reinforce my lessons in relying only on yourself. relying on others makes you weak and sets you up to hurt and betray everyone around you. this is a topic i find myself dissecting and recounting in my head over and over and over again. commitment. my mother says i have commitment issues.

i suppose she is right. it is very possible i do. however, i contend that they are not rooted in most other people's origins of such a fear. people tend to feel trapped, to feel cornered and obligated when all they want is complete autonomy and carte blanche to do as they please without affecting others or doing that which is universally reprehensible. i can't deny that the aforementioned things are a factor, but recently i have decided that my fear of commitment is also a fear of hurting others. of ruining them and affecting the way they see the world and the way they view people. i am a ruiner of the good, the kind, the selfless. i destroy everyone who stands in my way not to deter or stop me, but to wait to walk alongside me. the irony of this is almost too much to handle even for my heart which i have successfully built razor-wire fence around, given my chosen career path is altruism and a brighter path for those living through their darkest days. conflict resolution. i specialize in conflict resolution, and as someone whom i have recently hurt said to me not long ago "...though clearly not of the interpersonal kind."

maybe he is right. i know others who would share that sentiment, and consequently i am doing my best to guard their hearts with more resolve than i have guarded my own.