it could be a great day anywhere.

i'm tired.

my last day at my job was today. don't fret, dear readers. i have a new job that i start at 10am tomorrow morning. do not lament over my wellness either, for i just came off of a week-long vacation. i will get to all of these things in a moment. for now, i would like to tell you a story about a woman who screamed at me today.

it was a busy sunday at the store. i was knee deep in a skin care consultation with a very sweet and overworked woman with a thick-thighed, fake-baked whorebag of a daughter. she was quietly talking to me about her pores. steph was busy on the other side of the store getting all serious business about styling products with another guest. there were a couple of unattended guests milling around, one of which being a younger woman with two children. these children were running around the store, knocking things over, shrieking, licking the glass, et al. you know, the things that small humans with little to no home training do. i did my best to ignore it and continue to fight the good fight that was my guest's pore size. steph and i finish up with our guests around the same time and usher them into a line that formed between both sides of cash wrap while we weren't looking. fidgety wastes of space who only wanted one hairspray. order online, please. the website does not have sales goals. the woman with the unfortunate children was in my line, and by the time i began to ring up her products, her children where surprisingly quiet. she asked me about parabens in our eyeshadow. i said that our eye color contained two paraben derivatives, both of which were in amounts that were considered negligible to her well-being. she said she didn't want them. i said fair enough. i didn't bother her with frequent buyer cards to try to system sell at the cash wrap. i was speedy and pleasant. she was wearing a shirt with a line drawing of two children hugging a tree. below the drawing it said "hug a tree." clearly, this woman "got" our company's philosophy and thusly supported our environmental mission. i didn't feel the need to explain such things to her. i gave her credit for being in the know.

"could i ask you to save a bag today, or would you like one?"
"uh..yes. i need a bag."
"okay!"
(i walk around cash wrap to hand her the goods in a more personal way than slinging her shit over the counter and say....)
"thanks so much, have a great rest of your day!"
(she YANKS the plastic bag from my hand and starts to walk away. as she reaches the threshold between our store and the mall, she turns to me and says...)
"that's a REALLY odd question, you know."
"oh, is it?"
"YES. OF COURSE I NEED A BAG YOU IDIOT! I JUST BOUGHT SOMETHING!"
"WELL. the ONLY reason i ask is because i CARE about things like..."

this is when i was given the "talk to the hand" motion for the first time in 10 fucking years. then she walked out. what i was going to say to this unfortunate vessel of procreation - had she stayed long enough - was that the only reason i ask is because i care about things like the link between consumerism and waste and that YES, ONE PLASTIC BAG DOES MAKE A DIFFERENCE. if nothing else, being asked if you NEED a bag versus having the ABILITY to not take one makes people question why they take bags. it makes these stupid women justfy having very large and very expensive designer purses. STICK SOMETHING IN IT OTHER THAN YOUR BLACK CARD AND YOUR IPHONE YOU INSIPID, VACCUOUS PIECE OF SHIT.

the other guests in the store were completely appalled. they asked if i was okay. i said i was and that i just didn't appreciate her taking out the dismal result of her introspection concerning her parenting skills out on me in public. they laughed and said i was clever. i worried about what her children would grow up to be like.

however, i didn't let much get to me today as it was my last day working for my company. as some of you know, we lost our team leader (parting was anything but sweet sorrow in that case) in may. i have been running the store as acting team leader since then. for one very, very silly reason, i was passed over for her position. in the interval, i was recruited by 3 different competitors to assume a higher position. i turned all of them down except one. several weeks ago, i accepted a position as store manager of a competing boutique. it should be a more favorable situation for me in many respects, though some of that remains to be seen. my first day is tomorrow. i train in the back for an entire week, then i complete the remaining 7 weeks of my training in my store, with my team. well, what team i am being given. i am told i will need to immediately let go a few and hire a lot more. by the time i acquire my sea legs, it will be holiday already. it is a daunting task, but a task that i have consistently proven i am ready for. i'm very, very excited but i will admit, i teared up when i handed over my store key tonight. 4 years. 4 years i gave.

anyway. the vacation was fabulous. i went to the beach with my sister, her friend, my mother, and my mother's friend. we stayed at a beachfront condo in orange beach, alabama. you can see florida from where we were. it has been dubbed the redneck riviera, and that is how i shall refer to it. i was very, very sunburned. serves me right. the same day i returned home, i picked up a friend from the airport. i use this term with both amusement and trepidation. we spent a week in my city, mainly in restaurants or in my car. it was a good visit for me most part, i think? i learned things about myself and a few things about him, though not as many as i thought i might. i feel lukewarm about it for sophomoric, stupid reasons. i just need to get over it. my constant need to feel appreciated and valued and incredulous - truly, wholly fascinated by someone - is tiring, even for me. i can't imagine what it's like for everyone else.

i need to rediscover what it was like to be 18 years old and invigorated by everything.

"stress management," or "how to gain weight in a remarkably short amount of time"

it is a relatively quiet sunday morning in indianapolis, save for the ambulance that just tore ass by my apartment. i woke up this morning around 10, which was quite a feat when you take into consideration the way i spent my previous evening.

oh, i just said apartment. yes. i moved into the apartment a couple of weeks ago. it is not with my ideal roommate, unfortunately. in fact, the status of my cohabitation is awkward to say the least. let's just leave it at the fact that i wanted this apartment really, really badly. with that being said, i've been working a lot lately to reverse the sad state of affairs that is my checking account and thusly have not shouldered my part of the burden that is unpacking. i decided this morning i would get up and attempt to weasel my way back into a certain someone's good graces (one would think that after 3 years of this person in my life, i would remember that it is relatively impossible) by unpacking the kitchen and cleaning up last night's good time. i gathered my ammunition - this morning it comes in the form of cleaning supplies and coffee - and quietly began to settle in. my coffee was fantastic, in case you were wondering. my friend jesse was kind enough to send me a pound from the coffee shop he runs in syracuse. if you ever find yourself in syracuse, new york, do everything in your power to visit recess coffee. after finishing the kitchen i decided to take a break. i left the apartment and took my coffee to the fire escape to watch the neighborhood for a while. there wasn't much to watch. it was eerily still. the only sounds to be taken in were the hums of window units, trying in vain to counter the horrific temperatures that go along with urban living in the summer, and some birds. i couldn't tell what kind of birds they were. i'm not good with that sort of thing anyway.

i have been craving affection recently to a ravenous extent, but i will not reach out to anyone. it angers me to no end that i still desire it from him, as i am beginning to emerge from the fog of very, very deep love and realizing that i don't like him much as a person. i abhor those who are dishonest, whether it is outright lies or hiding things. dishonesty by omission is the name of the game. i wouldn't care about it so much if he would just be frank with me. the situation is very similar to withholding or prohibiting something from a child - they will want it that much more. the mystery behind it is maddening and causes the imagination to produce scenarios and possibilities more fantastic than that which is actual. and yes, i am the child in this situation in more ways than one. perhaps he conceals it because he knows i do not approve. perhaps he conceals it because he feels it is none of my business, to which my response is indignation and outrage. we are close friends and confidants at the very least, so the idea that something is off limits is astounding to me. i hide nothing from him, even the things that i might be better off in keeping tucked away. it kills me that he won't talk to me. it kills me. kills me.

my life in boxes.

my life cannot be summed up with one blog of terse statements and wry humor at the moment, but i feel the need to update so it is made clear that i am still breathing. so, until the dust settles and i live to tell the tale, i'm going to post a poem about one of my cats. i wrote it a couple of years ago. my cats are infallible creatures.

ode to an obese tabby

oh, wu-cat.
as i sit here in the wee hours, frantically trying
to map out the next 5 years of my life or so, nothing seems tangible
or consistent.
yet i know
that you will be here
on my arm, as i am trying to type
for at least the next 45 minutes.
do you know why this is, little wu?
why it is that, despite the fact
the constant tapping of the keyboard
the incessant tensing and relaxing of my right forearm beneath your furry folds
cannot be soothing or comfortable for you
you will stay here until i move you?
it is because you weigh 17 pounds.
yes! that’s right!
if you were a human infant
you would have been birthed by caesarean section.
actually, who knows if you would have been birthed at all.
with an in utero weight that astounding
you could’ve killed your mother
and yourself.
but thankfully, you are not a human infant.
you’re a tabby. a grown-ass man tabby.
your source of girth is from consumption of the souls of the weak
and the rest of kiki’s food
when she walks away
during meal times.

someday, my little gentleman
i will buy you a bowtie.

storms, spanish tapas, and unrequited love.

hmmm. where shall i begin? or rather, where can i begin? so much is either secretive or uncertain. some things i cannot talk about for the sake of my own security, and other things i don't want to talk about because well, they're exciting and i am (despite my best efforts) superstitious.

...okay fine. it's too exciting to keep to myself. a dear, dear friend is moving back to indianapolis quite abruptly and we've decided to move in together. thursday morning we had breakfast at a café downtown and went together to look at an apartment that caught my eye. it was beautiful. absolutely beautiful. the guilt of giving in to early morning peer pressure and ordering an omelette as big as my head melted away as soon as janet, our leasing agent, opened the door to #805. the first thing i see is built-in bookcases and huge french windows that overlook downtown. a place to put my books and a view of the only worthwhile part of this city? sign me up. we walked through every inch of all 1300 square feet with janet leading the way, suggesting decorating ideas or uses for space. some aspects of the apartment we adored - "this is the original chandelier from 1929?!" - and others we were not so happy about - "i have BAKING PANS bigger than this oven!"

regardless, once we scoured every closet shelf and pane of glass, we looked at each other and knew we were in love. we were in love with the potential for our life in this space. janet spun around on her heels in the living room and said "alright girls, just say the word!" we looked at each other and grinned, not really knowing what to say.

"you know, if you need a minute alone, i understand. walk through again together, talk it over. i'll be in the lobby downstairs."

"thanks janet. we'll be down in a minute."

we walked through again and talked. we took pictures. i have a beautiful picture of her sitting in between the dining room and living room, crunching numbers. the numbers fit. we promised each other we would be objective, smart women about this and look at other places to compare. yeah, we never really got around to that.

i turned in our lease application today. we should know by the end of the week. if it happens, i'll be leaving my house the first week of july. i can't tell you how elated i will be to leave this place and all it's bad energy behind me. my favorite part will be painting. i love painting.

oh, and then there's work. ah yes, work. our situation appears dire - losing 2 members of management within a month, people on vacation, a ruthless, unfeeling faraway boss. however, as a team we've not been this happy in many, many months. some of us would say at least a year. we are doing just fine (fantastically, actually) in terms of our business result. everyone is constantly learning and growing together, operations are getting back under control and pieces have been put into place to ensure our team only gets stronger and more harmonious in the coming weeks. i am still working ungodly hours and i am still nervous and anxious about the conference calls and the reporting and the ordering (especially the ordering), but today i got a phone call that wiped all that away and yet, at the same time, it made me throw my bar about 10 feet higher up than where it had been. today at work, the phone rang. someone else answered. there was a long pause. it was for me. i took it in the office. it was her. the examiner. the taxidermist. she who systematically removes your insides, replaces it with fluff and puts you back together in such a way that you look collected and natural, though you are rigid and empty. i have been rigid and empty for a while now.

"hi ****!"

"caaat! how ARE you?"

"i'm good, good. thanks. what's up?"

"well, i wanted to touch base with you about the e-mail you sent me last week. how did it go afterwards?"

"(insert my reply here that contains names and lots of sensitive information pertinent to my team)"

"okay good. i think that's the best way to handle it. i support that. is there anything you need from me this week?

"oh, i think we're okay, but thank you. um, how's the search for a new team leader going?"

"...well, it's taking us a little while longer. in some ways it's going well, in other ways it's not. here's what i can tell you: you will be the interim team leader through the month of june. i hope to have someone for you by july, but we really don't know yet. we thought we had someone but..."

"oh gosh, you know what? don't even worry about it. take your time. we're doing just fine down here. really, we're okay."

"oh sure! it'll be fine. we'll get it taken care of soon. so listen, i've got to get to the airport but there's one other thing.."

"mmm?"

"i want you to know how proud i am of you. you and your team are working really, really hard - especially you - and i know that. i want to thank you for what you're doing and let you know i really appreciate it. you're doing a wonderful job leading that store right now."

"wow ****, thank you. really. thank you. we're trying."

"i know you are. that's why i wanted to tell you that i'm just..i'm doing a little something for you. i'm going to tack on a bonus to your last check for this month as a way of saying thank you for everything you're working on."

"oh thank you but you don't have to - i mean, i love my job and - "

" -i know i don't have to. listen, i've got to run. i'll talk to you on the conference call, okay? bye chica!"

THAT HAPPENED. that happened between two people who bristled at the mere sight of one another nary a month ago. every awful and false and venomous thing that was ever said to her about me, she is now discovering to be completely untrue. she sees how much i love that store, how much i want to invest in that team. my team are like my kids, which is hilarious considering i'm the youngest one in the store. it's been heartbreaking to be in my position there for the last year and it's not that i am being vindicated now, it's just the joy of people knowing the truth. we just have to keep doing what we're doing, and they just have to keep trusting me to do right by them. we'll be just fine.

i don't even want to talk about what's happening in my life dude-wise right now. it's a clusterfuck. a clusterfuck that i get approximately ZILCH out of. well, zilch if you factor out all of the vagueness and facepalming (1200 miles, cat? really?) and sexual frustration, which yes i prefer to factor out. i am uncertain about many things concerning this and that alone makes my head want to explode because i loathe uncertainty. with a description like that you'd think i was at least seeing someone. but you know what? i'm not seeing anyone. not one single person. and yet, those factors are persistent in my nonexistent love life. something of that calibre of absurdity could only happen to yours truly. i give it 6 more weeks until i follow up my treatise on monogamy with my treatise on depressing masturbation. good god.

i think that's all i can muster for this evening. i will be awake again in 5 hours, whisking around downtown before heading up to the northside for another day of retail prostitution. i'll update again once we hear back about the apartment. hopefully a definite color for the kitchen will come to me in a dream shortly. i don't care what rob says about appetite-inducing colors, i think a deep red would be fabulous.

y control.

you know, this whole insomnia thing is only charming for the first week or so. after that i just feel like i want to die. no, i feel like i could die. 

i wish i was coherent enough to give this post a theme and artfully piece together a work of clever, vividly detailed prose. instead i think i'm just going to purge whatever's in my head because let's not kid ourselves, purging is an art i am familiar with. internet word vomit - that's what al gore invented the internet for, right? and please, spare me your cracks about the internet being made for porn. have you seen internet porn lately? it's a truly sad state of affairs.

tonight after clark left my house i found myself sitting on my porch with one of my cats and a glass of inexpensive but delightfully tasty wine in hand. normally i would use that opportunity to call a friend i'd been meaning to call back or reading for a bit or inviting someone over, but instead i just sat. i sat and watched the sky. yes, i realize how embarrassingly cliche and vapid that sounds. initially i was drawn to it by noticing how quickly the clouds were moving. that led to me wondering approximately how quickly they were moving, which reminded me how quickly the earth moves. need i remind you that the earth both spins and rotates simultaneously? i tried to reconcile in my mind what i knew with what i was seeing: knowing how impossibly fast our planet moves and how far away things really are with how still the earth feels, and how languidly the clouds ambled across that limitless backdrop. what i knew and what i saw could not converge at that moment; it was beyond my mental capacity. regardless, i was content and comforted to think of such things. then my phone rang.

well i was wrong, it never lasts and this is no - there is no - modern romance.

i will do my best to ensure a proper update on all of the things that are happening when i get home from work, but it may not happen. i am obligated by the scornful eye of crom to attend a show tonight, though i would largely prefer takeout and a quiet night on my couch. i've got to stop with all of the happy garden. i mean, seriously. i can't tell if i'm actually gaining weight or just retaining ungodly amounts of water from all of the sodium, but i'll tell you one thing - the other day while i was getting dressed, i think i saw my mirror shed a tear. my scale trembles at the thought of the fury waiting to be unleashed when i finally have the gall to step on it again.

before i pass out, here is the only evidence of my weekend. brian and i at an 80s party on the south side on friday night. i told someone while at the party that 80s themed fêtes really just incite in me this incredible urge to listen to the smiths and make out. the closest i got to that was listening to the smiths and blowing on brian's outstretched tongue after the consumed impossible amounts of an already impossibly palatable hot sauce. those things did not occur at the same time. brian always looks flawless. i look like a zombie with flushed cheeks.

a treatise on monogamy.

before i get into the thick of things, let me just say that i think the guys at happy garden have a crush on me. i was breezing through my house like some sweaty whirlwind, blasting the descendents and spraying method all-purpose cleaner on whatever got in my way. i hear a knock at the door. dinner time! i open my door, sign my receipt, thank the kind gentleman for his time, and set my steaming bag of asian goodness on my dining room table. opening it up, i see not one, but THREE fortune cookies sitting on a piece of cardboard on top, mixed in with my soy sauce and duck sauce. feeling like it was christmas morning, i immediately opened them ALL. here's what they said:

"a new friend helps you break out of an old routine"

"excitement and intrigue follow you wherever you go!"

"the best mirror is a good friend"

i am particularly fond of the second fortune, curious about the first, and rolled my eyes at the third. now that the gods of hot and sour soup have cast my fate upon me, i can rest easy. so, about this monogamy thing...

...this has been a long time coming. why, you might be asking yourselves, would i want to devote any time at all to discussing monogamy? well my dears, it is a complex and tricky thing. it is both personal and professional. because i live in western society, the practice of monogamy is something that has been indoctrinated in me since birth. yet, as i've grown older, i've found myself questioning not only it's place in my life, but also it's validity as the leading type of human pairing. i will briefly discuss the latter and then get to the good stuff - juicy personal details.

there are 3 different types of monogamy currently recognized by biologists: social, sexual, and genetic monogamy. social monogamy refers to a pairing off of two people that includes cohabitation, a sharing of resources (food, money, transportation, etc.), and in some cases a sexual relationship (though social monogamy certainly does not infer a sexual relationship). sexual monogamy refers to two people who are in an exclusive sexual relationship with one another, without any inference to cohabitation. most western relationships are a combination of social and sexual monogamy. the third type is genetic monogamy, and refers to people who only produce offspring with one another, but may cohabitate or have sexual relationships with others. see also: staying together for the kids. i'm no biologist and have only a decent knowledge of cultural and bioanthropology, but what i do know is this: social monogamy (and for the purpose of this piece we'll assume social monogamy includes a sexual relationship) is the most common form of pairing in humans, but it is relatively rare among other mammals. only 7% of all mammals engage in social monogamy. of that 7%, the majority do not engage in sexual monogamy and frequently participate in extra-pair copulations. taking this data into consideration and removing any inkling of speciesism from our systems, how does lifelong social monogamy as dictated by our culture(s) not seem a little unnatural? maybe if lions didn't have to worry about starving they'd pay more attention to who was banging who. infidelity is a first world problem.

don't get it twisted, i don't have anything against monogamy. some of my most rewarding relationships have been not only monogamous, but long-term. i say some, not all. i've learned just as much from non-monogamous relationships as well and have enjoyed them just the same. what's been getting me down lately is the implied notion of ownership that goes along with social monogamy. the idea of people as property has never sat well with me. quite honestly i have come to reject the idea that social monogamy (reminder: i am including sexual relations into this definition) should be the default. rather, it should just be an option. think of everything we go through in life. love, birth, death, loss, transformation, migration, transition, stagnation, mania - these things affect our ability and/or desire for sex and cohabitation. in the interest of practicing humanism we should move away from the idea that 1 + 1 = enough, because it's not. not for everyone, and not all of the time. exploring types of relationships and pairings aside from social monogamy not only makes us capable of fully endorsing equal rights for both men and women, it is additionally a plausible tool for population control. if more people were open to the idea of any ilk of non-monogamy, clearly the need for more thorough sex education and disease prevention would be present. along with this would come a higher priority placed on proper contraceptive use, so as not to procreate with anything that makes googly eyes at you. personally, i am a huge fan of less people having kids. at this point i was going to talk about how monogamy is also one of the many tools of sexual repression shackled onto the ankle of humankind by religion, but i'm exhausted tonight so i'm going to save that for an entry all on its own someday. nothing gets me more hot and bothered than talking about why i hate religion. oh baby.

so where does that leave me, then? i'm going to be honest with you. i want my cake and goddamnit, i want to eat it too. i think about all of the things i have read about the relationship between emma goldman and alexander berkman. they were friends, lovers, and comrades for several decades. they were not always all three of those things at the same time. they had affairs with other people at times and while it may have stung, their commitment to personal equality and autonomy was above all else. to me, that idea is exponentially more romantic than the dead horse that is love at first sight followed by attached at the hip followed by 'til death do us part. i don't suppose i'm ruling out the idea of marriage for myself. sometimes it seems nice, but it's not really the idea of marriage itself that i like. it's that idea of a lifelong companion. i don't need a useless institution as an excuse to wear a pretty dress and have a party. feel free to buy me a kitchenaid mixer and coordinating linens whenever you want, guys (seriously. i mean it about the mixer. any day now...). i'm fed up with not exploring what could pan out with someone extraordinary because of bad timing or guilt or subscribing to someone else's ethics to keep them from going off the deep end. i have never in my life had trouble exclusively committing myself to someone who i believed was worth the investment. however, if i commit myself to someone who does not make every hair on my body stand up, i am being terribly unfair to them and completely cheating myself. and really, why should i not want them to feel the same way? i'm not conceited enough to think that i'm the best anyone's ever had. i'm not naive enough to think that someone i'm with might meet someone one day who would blow me out of the water. and you know what? i think that's great. i had this very conversation with someone not long ago. it went something like this - i said:

"you know, if you came to me now and said 'i just wanted you to know i met someone x amount of days or weeks ago and i thought i might really connect with them so we went out and it was great' i would be SO PISSED at your dishonesty and lack of respect."

"yeah, of course."

"but if you were to come to me now and say 'i met someone recently and it's nothing against you, but i think there might be something there and i think i owe it to myself to explore that option,' i would totally be in support of it."

"...what?"

"yes. don't you see? you're a good person and i want you to be happy and if that happiness comes from someone else, then good for you. but you know what? i also want to be happy, and i would appreciate being respected enough to be afforded the same clemency. ESPECIALLY considering i don't even have to ask for that right from you or anyone - it's already mine."

i could go on, but i think i would be rambling at this point. my ability to articulate is waning. i could talk more specifically about what i want, but it would sound like a personal ad. i'm not that desperate.

i want to make him understand because i want him in my life, but i'm not going to lead a horse to water and syphon that shit down his throat to pretend he's drinking.

by the skin of my teeth.

sometimes it is hard to reconcile my lack of belief in any sort of omnipotent creator with the events that occur in my life. i do not believe in god, fate, destiny, the easter bunny or voodoo, but sometimes i have no other choice but to believe that the energy we put out into the world is reciprocal.

in this age of endless technology and a disturbing connectivity to one another, it is not hard to find out who someone is, or what they think about any given topic. it is for this reason i am choosing to refrain from discussing details of my job or the people i work with, both for my protection and theirs. i apologize if some of this will come off as cryptic to those who are not familiar with those areas of my life. with that being said, a couple of weeks ago i did something very scary. it was the "right" thing to do in terms of ethics and human decency, but scary nonetheless. i broke a year of silence that surrounded a store governed by fear because i couldn't take it any more. in the corporate world, this almost always ends badly for someone who does what i did. if one is to make this move, they must take the highest caution to ensure that they are beyond reproach because it almost always comes to pass that one's own performance and code of ethics is called into question as well. if that test is passed, there is certainly the option that one could be labeled a "whistleblower" or a "snitch" and let's be honest - all corporations do dishonest things. they're not trying to staff girl scouts and saints, they're trying to make money. one takes the risk of being thanked for their information, reassured that it will be investigated, and then sent packing. if you're not fired, you'll quit eventually because your life will be made miserable by those who clawed through the rubble of whatever human resources bombing campaign you instigated.

i very nearly lost my job today. i was called into a meeting (on my day off, no less) with a higher up who is in from out of town visiting my workplace. my performance was layed out on the examination table as if it were my own body. the clothing of my aloof and professional disposition was stripped off and the fluorescent light of authority was forced upon me. naked, my business results and intentions were poked and prodded by the cold, sterile instruments of "effectiveness." when they saw the blood they were hoping for, they made an offer: if we allow you to stay, we want you to step down. i emerged from the ordeal alive, but feeling very, very violated. i went home to think about what had transpired. in a last ditch effort to preserve my integrity and good name, i made one last phone call. i believe that might have been the phone call that saved me. i was called back a few moments later on a conference call. my desired result from that very first phone call a couple of weeks ago had manifested itself. i wasn't being asked to leave. i was still asked to consider the offer of stepping down, but there would be no ultimatum issued. and oh yes, would it be possible for me to give up my day off tomorrow to work, because they now needed some help with scheduling coverage seeing as how we are suddenly down one staff member. i said yes. 

of course, i am not out of the woods yet. i'm still reeling from how i pulled this off to be frank. in my opinion, i've bought myself time to think more about where my life is headed as opposed to being thrust into a hastily compassed direction. i have a lot to prove to people going forward, and it is sure to be an uphill battle. i need to send that woman a thank you card. i was on the phone with a friend after the whole ordeal and saw i had another incoming call. i asked her if she recognized the area code, and she said she didn't. i checked my voicemail later and it was my human resources manager, calling me from her cell phone on her way home from the office to make sure that, despite the fact i said i was okay, i was actually okay. if i believed in heaven, i would be sure she was headed straight there.

which brings me to the heart of the post: karmic retribution - mythical hoopla or sound living? on principle i am inclined to go with the former. however, stepping back from all of this and taking another look, i'm not so sure. could it be possible that the best of intentions can honestly pay off in the end? i certainly hope so. the battle might be over, but my good intentions are all i have to use as armor for the war.

more later tonight, perhaps. i'm off to tip the karmic scales with a celebratory dinner.