how could this have happened?

is it really possible that i have not updated since september? i suppose so. the internet never lies, now does it? and neither do we. we coyly omit, we neglect to include details. the movies of our lives in our heads are far more interesting than what is happening in front of us and around us. i must admit that my reasoning for updating is somewhat selfish. the songwriting process in my band is slow and i'm hoping that beginning a stream of broadcasted thought will jar my brain into some ilk of creativity. my band is writing songs at a speed my mind can no longer compete with, and it's time that i sat down and unloaded that which makes my head heavier and heavier each day. many things have transpired since i last decided to share. too many to recount now and the medicine i have taken to help me sleep will surely grip my state of alertness before i can recount it all anyway.

i don't much believe in resolutions, but i decided that i will do 2 things this year lest it become entirely possible that i will find it more logical to end my life that seems more and more directionless: i will go back to school in the summer and not take any other sort of sabbatical until i finish, and i will go abroad. i had been planning on africa and/or the middle east since that is where my professional passion lies, but after a conversation with a very nice couple at work yesterday, they rekindled my desire to go to france. i know it's very passé as an american to want to travel to europe, but i have been a full-blown francophile since i was a little girl. i have taken french every year of school since 7th grade and hold a minor in the language, yet i have never been to a french-speaking country. i find myself spending less time on the internet posting on stupid message boards and online shopping, and more time looking at plane tickets. i am due for a vacation and am in a place where i can afford it, so why not? roundtrip to paris is less than $800 right now. granted it would be far more expensive in the long run to stay there than it would be to spend an extra $700 and go to delhi, dubai or nairobi, but it is something i have wanted for a long time. i think i would like to go to provence. paris is obligatory for at least one day, but provence is calling me. i would like to do this alone i think, scary as it would be for me. i don't know anyone in france anymore. i wouldn't know the first thing about where to stay or what to do, but i'm okay with that. as each day passes, the idea of moving/traveling/accomplishing alone is more and more appealing. perhaps this is connected to my dubious efforts to connect with others. perhaps it is the part of me that wants complete control over everything, and a travel companion inherently denotes compromise of some sort. perhaps as i get older i reinforce my lessons in relying only on yourself. relying on others makes you weak and sets you up to hurt and betray everyone around you. this is a topic i find myself dissecting and recounting in my head over and over and over again. commitment. my mother says i have commitment issues.

i suppose she is right. it is very possible i do. however, i contend that they are not rooted in most other people's origins of such a fear. people tend to feel trapped, to feel cornered and obligated when all they want is complete autonomy and carte blanche to do as they please without affecting others or doing that which is universally reprehensible. i can't deny that the aforementioned things are a factor, but recently i have decided that my fear of commitment is also a fear of hurting others. of ruining them and affecting the way they see the world and the way they view people. i am a ruiner of the good, the kind, the selfless. i destroy everyone who stands in my way not to deter or stop me, but to wait to walk alongside me. the irony of this is almost too much to handle even for my heart which i have successfully built razor-wire fence around, given my chosen career path is altruism and a brighter path for those living through their darkest days. conflict resolution. i specialize in conflict resolution, and as someone whom i have recently hurt said to me not long ago "...though clearly not of the interpersonal kind."

maybe he is right. i know others who would share that sentiment, and consequently i am doing my best to guard their hearts with more resolve than i have guarded my own.

seething.

the midol is starting to take effect so i believe i am at a point where i can construct logical thoughts. if you have the dubious pleasure of speaking with me on a somewhat frequent basis, you have no doubt heard me complain at some point about my reproductive system. it really is a beast. even other women hear of my burden and all they can muster is a quiet "...damn." perhaps in a past life i was a misogynist. every year my mother asks me what i want for my birthday, and every year i say "a hysterectomy." i'm being completely serious. i have no intention of bearing children of my own. i will happily adopt should i choose the path of motherhood; of training someone else in being a decent, proactive human. the way i see it, my reproductive organs are of no use to me. they are a plague upon the temple that is my body, and i would gladly take a long-handled grapefruit spoon to my uterus, were the solution really that simple.

in the time since my last post i finished infidel, then started and completed bell hooks' where we stand: class matters. my review and critical analysis of hooks' work deserves it's own convoluted entry that i will save for the nebulous future, but i did promise i would give my thoughts on the former book.

i enjoyed it very much. ali writes in a way that is very disarming in spite of the incredibly volatile opinions she expresses so eloquently and bravely. she recounts for us in expertly vivid detail her upbringing in somalia, saudi arabia, ethiopia and kenya. she dissects and lays out the difference betwen the clan-influenced islam that was instilled in her by her grandmother and the rigid, fundamentalist ilk that she was faced with and ultimately became a part of while living in saudi arabia. she assumes a modicum of knowledge about the faith on the part of the reader, but certainly takes care to explain and differentiate when the necessity is there. all of the horrific, sensationalized stores about violence, mutilation and struggle from "undeveloped", faraway lands that are picked over, edited, wrapped neatly and presented to us by western media - these things were this woman's life, and she recounts them to us, making sure to spare no detail. this i feel is important, because we are made aware of atrocities committed (with and without holy names involved) as i type this and as you read it. on the other hand, we are also enriched by gaining knowledge of the beauty and depth of other cultures that too many are wholly ignorant of. as i delved deeper into the pages of her memoir, i began to understand why christopher hitchens wrote the foreword to this work. there is a seething criticism and ultimately, a calling out of those who perpetuate the world's major religions for the oppression, confusion, abuse and bloodshed they are all directly responsible for. most importantly, ali makes it very clear that religion is intangible - it is nothing without it's maker and sustainer, man. it was man who assembled religion, he who maintains it, and only he who can disassemble it. i think she does a beautiful job of beginning that work with the consciousness raised in this book. of course, her primary target is islam. islam was the driving force behind her excision, her arranged marriage, a catalyst for the dementia of both her mother and sister, the jusitification behind merciless abuse by members of her community, and the heaviest hand in her torment and confusion regarding adolesence - a time wrought with turbulence to begin with. i will not turn this into a criticism of islam because i would feel the need to be fair and give equal amounts of venom to christianity and judaism, but i will say that it is a fantastic read for anyone who has a love of seeing one's mind develop, morph, expand and strengthen before your eyes. i have to meet this woman someday.

i have been craving a lot of time to myself recently. been wanting to be alone, reading. clearly i've achieved that to a certain level. i tend to procure more books this week and devour them. feel free to provide suggestions. i have also been focusing more on my love of correspondence (ironic, given my appetite for physical solitude) and writing letters again. the internet is so instantaneous and impersonal (which serves it's own good purpose at times), i had forgotten the feeling of anticipating mail. i had forgotten the care and meticulous effort i adore putting into the crafting of a letter. i had nearly forgotten how much i simply love writing by hand. so if you want to know what i've been up to lately, that's it aside from working, of course.

i refuse to talk about work except to state simply that i refuse to talk about it. i feel like my head is going to explode.

fall is swiftly upon us. coats, apple orchards, and the hushed, colder days.

when i have seen my friends lately, i have actively focused on making our time together about talking and listening. i have been making my intention to truly interact very much known. so often the quality time we spend with people revolves around the variety of ways we can pay money to not talk, and i feel like we are missing so much. the irony is that i haven't talked to them about how they feel about it. if you are into sitting around and talking, or talking while baking, do get in touch.

i amaze even myself at my ability to seethe so quietly these days. it's a little frightening because it is not a sustainable state of being.

someday i will sail again.

i am reading this book at the moment. i am completely absorbed and will share my thoughts when it is finished.

i would like to make a proper update, but it is late and i am getting up early for work in the morning. i will most likely forgo washing my face, which is a bad move. i will briefly update this instead.

i was hurt again recently by him. thankfully i have been given a cushion, a support system, a reason to feel that certain feeling in my chest as of late. it broke my fall.

the new job is good but stressful and slow-going. i don't understand how people in high positions of international companies do not understand the dire importance of follow through and communication. oh well. i will endure because it's what i do. things will get better. i am learning a lot about myself and am being forced to step outside of my comfort zone for the good of the business. i said i wanted a challenge, didn't i? something to mold from a soggy lump of disastrous clay and make it a masterpiece? there's not enough moisture in this clay. it's not budging. it's just staining my fingertips and hurting the joints in my fingers. i will drag it down to the river if i have to. bathe it and baptize it in the cleansing waters of consumerism.

i have decided that come spring semester, i will return to school come hell or high water and i will not stop until i am finished. i have to. i HAVE to. learning is what i love.

here's a playlist for you. you deserve something for reading all of my consarned whining. maybe you will see something unfamiliar and discover something wonderful:
hewhocorrupts
able baker fox
rorschach
a tribe called quest
blonde redhead
forcefedglass
the fucking champs
charles bronson
goblin cock
shellac
in/humanity
raekwon
the promise
born against
the album leaf
three mile pilot
racebannon

that is all for now. i will be swept into what the rest of this week has to hold for me, so perhaps a more detailed update next week.

my birthday is in 8 days. i will be 23. when i was very young, i pictured myself as a twenty-something. it was very vivid and specific. it is so odd because what i pictured is what i am, but completely different. maybe my grandmother was right. maybe i can see things before they happen. or maybe i underestimate the power of suggestion.

it could be a great day anywhere.

i'm tired.

my last day at my job was today. don't fret, dear readers. i have a new job that i start at 10am tomorrow morning. do not lament over my wellness either, for i just came off of a week-long vacation. i will get to all of these things in a moment. for now, i would like to tell you a story about a woman who screamed at me today.

it was a busy sunday at the store. i was knee deep in a skin care consultation with a very sweet and overworked woman with a thick-thighed, fake-baked whorebag of a daughter. she was quietly talking to me about her pores. steph was busy on the other side of the store getting all serious business about styling products with another guest. there were a couple of unattended guests milling around, one of which being a younger woman with two children. these children were running around the store, knocking things over, shrieking, licking the glass, et al. you know, the things that small humans with little to no home training do. i did my best to ignore it and continue to fight the good fight that was my guest's pore size. steph and i finish up with our guests around the same time and usher them into a line that formed between both sides of cash wrap while we weren't looking. fidgety wastes of space who only wanted one hairspray. order online, please. the website does not have sales goals. the woman with the unfortunate children was in my line, and by the time i began to ring up her products, her children where surprisingly quiet. she asked me about parabens in our eyeshadow. i said that our eye color contained two paraben derivatives, both of which were in amounts that were considered negligible to her well-being. she said she didn't want them. i said fair enough. i didn't bother her with frequent buyer cards to try to system sell at the cash wrap. i was speedy and pleasant. she was wearing a shirt with a line drawing of two children hugging a tree. below the drawing it said "hug a tree." clearly, this woman "got" our company's philosophy and thusly supported our environmental mission. i didn't feel the need to explain such things to her. i gave her credit for being in the know.

"could i ask you to save a bag today, or would you like one?"
"uh..yes. i need a bag."
"okay!"
(i walk around cash wrap to hand her the goods in a more personal way than slinging her shit over the counter and say....)
"thanks so much, have a great rest of your day!"
(she YANKS the plastic bag from my hand and starts to walk away. as she reaches the threshold between our store and the mall, she turns to me and says...)
"that's a REALLY odd question, you know."
"oh, is it?"
"YES. OF COURSE I NEED A BAG YOU IDIOT! I JUST BOUGHT SOMETHING!"
"WELL. the ONLY reason i ask is because i CARE about things like..."

this is when i was given the "talk to the hand" motion for the first time in 10 fucking years. then she walked out. what i was going to say to this unfortunate vessel of procreation - had she stayed long enough - was that the only reason i ask is because i care about things like the link between consumerism and waste and that YES, ONE PLASTIC BAG DOES MAKE A DIFFERENCE. if nothing else, being asked if you NEED a bag versus having the ABILITY to not take one makes people question why they take bags. it makes these stupid women justfy having very large and very expensive designer purses. STICK SOMETHING IN IT OTHER THAN YOUR BLACK CARD AND YOUR IPHONE YOU INSIPID, VACCUOUS PIECE OF SHIT.

the other guests in the store were completely appalled. they asked if i was okay. i said i was and that i just didn't appreciate her taking out the dismal result of her introspection concerning her parenting skills out on me in public. they laughed and said i was clever. i worried about what her children would grow up to be like.

however, i didn't let much get to me today as it was my last day working for my company. as some of you know, we lost our team leader (parting was anything but sweet sorrow in that case) in may. i have been running the store as acting team leader since then. for one very, very silly reason, i was passed over for her position. in the interval, i was recruited by 3 different competitors to assume a higher position. i turned all of them down except one. several weeks ago, i accepted a position as store manager of a competing boutique. it should be a more favorable situation for me in many respects, though some of that remains to be seen. my first day is tomorrow. i train in the back for an entire week, then i complete the remaining 7 weeks of my training in my store, with my team. well, what team i am being given. i am told i will need to immediately let go a few and hire a lot more. by the time i acquire my sea legs, it will be holiday already. it is a daunting task, but a task that i have consistently proven i am ready for. i'm very, very excited but i will admit, i teared up when i handed over my store key tonight. 4 years. 4 years i gave.

anyway. the vacation was fabulous. i went to the beach with my sister, her friend, my mother, and my mother's friend. we stayed at a beachfront condo in orange beach, alabama. you can see florida from where we were. it has been dubbed the redneck riviera, and that is how i shall refer to it. i was very, very sunburned. serves me right. the same day i returned home, i picked up a friend from the airport. i use this term with both amusement and trepidation. we spent a week in my city, mainly in restaurants or in my car. it was a good visit for me most part, i think? i learned things about myself and a few things about him, though not as many as i thought i might. i feel lukewarm about it for sophomoric, stupid reasons. i just need to get over it. my constant need to feel appreciated and valued and incredulous - truly, wholly fascinated by someone - is tiring, even for me. i can't imagine what it's like for everyone else.

i need to rediscover what it was like to be 18 years old and invigorated by everything.

"stress management," or "how to gain weight in a remarkably short amount of time"

it is a relatively quiet sunday morning in indianapolis, save for the ambulance that just tore ass by my apartment. i woke up this morning around 10, which was quite a feat when you take into consideration the way i spent my previous evening.

oh, i just said apartment. yes. i moved into the apartment a couple of weeks ago. it is not with my ideal roommate, unfortunately. in fact, the status of my cohabitation is awkward to say the least. let's just leave it at the fact that i wanted this apartment really, really badly. with that being said, i've been working a lot lately to reverse the sad state of affairs that is my checking account and thusly have not shouldered my part of the burden that is unpacking. i decided this morning i would get up and attempt to weasel my way back into a certain someone's good graces (one would think that after 3 years of this person in my life, i would remember that it is relatively impossible) by unpacking the kitchen and cleaning up last night's good time. i gathered my ammunition - this morning it comes in the form of cleaning supplies and coffee - and quietly began to settle in. my coffee was fantastic, in case you were wondering. my friend jesse was kind enough to send me a pound from the coffee shop he runs in syracuse. if you ever find yourself in syracuse, new york, do everything in your power to visit recess coffee. after finishing the kitchen i decided to take a break. i left the apartment and took my coffee to the fire escape to watch the neighborhood for a while. there wasn't much to watch. it was eerily still. the only sounds to be taken in were the hums of window units, trying in vain to counter the horrific temperatures that go along with urban living in the summer, and some birds. i couldn't tell what kind of birds they were. i'm not good with that sort of thing anyway.

i have been craving affection recently to a ravenous extent, but i will not reach out to anyone. it angers me to no end that i still desire it from him, as i am beginning to emerge from the fog of very, very deep love and realizing that i don't like him much as a person. i abhor those who are dishonest, whether it is outright lies or hiding things. dishonesty by omission is the name of the game. i wouldn't care about it so much if he would just be frank with me. the situation is very similar to withholding or prohibiting something from a child - they will want it that much more. the mystery behind it is maddening and causes the imagination to produce scenarios and possibilities more fantastic than that which is actual. and yes, i am the child in this situation in more ways than one. perhaps he conceals it because he knows i do not approve. perhaps he conceals it because he feels it is none of my business, to which my response is indignation and outrage. we are close friends and confidants at the very least, so the idea that something is off limits is astounding to me. i hide nothing from him, even the things that i might be better off in keeping tucked away. it kills me that he won't talk to me. it kills me. kills me.

my life in boxes.

my life cannot be summed up with one blog of terse statements and wry humor at the moment, but i feel the need to update so it is made clear that i am still breathing. so, until the dust settles and i live to tell the tale, i'm going to post a poem about one of my cats. i wrote it a couple of years ago. my cats are infallible creatures.

ode to an obese tabby

oh, wu-cat.
as i sit here in the wee hours, frantically trying
to map out the next 5 years of my life or so, nothing seems tangible
or consistent.
yet i know
that you will be here
on my arm, as i am trying to type
for at least the next 45 minutes.
do you know why this is, little wu?
why it is that, despite the fact
the constant tapping of the keyboard
the incessant tensing and relaxing of my right forearm beneath your furry folds
cannot be soothing or comfortable for you
you will stay here until i move you?
it is because you weigh 17 pounds.
yes! that’s right!
if you were a human infant
you would have been birthed by caesarean section.
actually, who knows if you would have been birthed at all.
with an in utero weight that astounding
you could’ve killed your mother
and yourself.
but thankfully, you are not a human infant.
you’re a tabby. a grown-ass man tabby.
your source of girth is from consumption of the souls of the weak
and the rest of kiki’s food
when she walks away
during meal times.

someday, my little gentleman
i will buy you a bowtie.

storms, spanish tapas, and unrequited love.

hmmm. where shall i begin? or rather, where can i begin? so much is either secretive or uncertain. some things i cannot talk about for the sake of my own security, and other things i don't want to talk about because well, they're exciting and i am (despite my best efforts) superstitious.

...okay fine. it's too exciting to keep to myself. a dear, dear friend is moving back to indianapolis quite abruptly and we've decided to move in together. thursday morning we had breakfast at a café downtown and went together to look at an apartment that caught my eye. it was beautiful. absolutely beautiful. the guilt of giving in to early morning peer pressure and ordering an omelette as big as my head melted away as soon as janet, our leasing agent, opened the door to #805. the first thing i see is built-in bookcases and huge french windows that overlook downtown. a place to put my books and a view of the only worthwhile part of this city? sign me up. we walked through every inch of all 1300 square feet with janet leading the way, suggesting decorating ideas or uses for space. some aspects of the apartment we adored - "this is the original chandelier from 1929?!" - and others we were not so happy about - "i have BAKING PANS bigger than this oven!"

regardless, once we scoured every closet shelf and pane of glass, we looked at each other and knew we were in love. we were in love with the potential for our life in this space. janet spun around on her heels in the living room and said "alright girls, just say the word!" we looked at each other and grinned, not really knowing what to say.

"you know, if you need a minute alone, i understand. walk through again together, talk it over. i'll be in the lobby downstairs."

"thanks janet. we'll be down in a minute."

we walked through again and talked. we took pictures. i have a beautiful picture of her sitting in between the dining room and living room, crunching numbers. the numbers fit. we promised each other we would be objective, smart women about this and look at other places to compare. yeah, we never really got around to that.

i turned in our lease application today. we should know by the end of the week. if it happens, i'll be leaving my house the first week of july. i can't tell you how elated i will be to leave this place and all it's bad energy behind me. my favorite part will be painting. i love painting.

oh, and then there's work. ah yes, work. our situation appears dire - losing 2 members of management within a month, people on vacation, a ruthless, unfeeling faraway boss. however, as a team we've not been this happy in many, many months. some of us would say at least a year. we are doing just fine (fantastically, actually) in terms of our business result. everyone is constantly learning and growing together, operations are getting back under control and pieces have been put into place to ensure our team only gets stronger and more harmonious in the coming weeks. i am still working ungodly hours and i am still nervous and anxious about the conference calls and the reporting and the ordering (especially the ordering), but today i got a phone call that wiped all that away and yet, at the same time, it made me throw my bar about 10 feet higher up than where it had been. today at work, the phone rang. someone else answered. there was a long pause. it was for me. i took it in the office. it was her. the examiner. the taxidermist. she who systematically removes your insides, replaces it with fluff and puts you back together in such a way that you look collected and natural, though you are rigid and empty. i have been rigid and empty for a while now.

"hi ****!"

"caaat! how ARE you?"

"i'm good, good. thanks. what's up?"

"well, i wanted to touch base with you about the e-mail you sent me last week. how did it go afterwards?"

"(insert my reply here that contains names and lots of sensitive information pertinent to my team)"

"okay good. i think that's the best way to handle it. i support that. is there anything you need from me this week?

"oh, i think we're okay, but thank you. um, how's the search for a new team leader going?"

"...well, it's taking us a little while longer. in some ways it's going well, in other ways it's not. here's what i can tell you: you will be the interim team leader through the month of june. i hope to have someone for you by july, but we really don't know yet. we thought we had someone but..."

"oh gosh, you know what? don't even worry about it. take your time. we're doing just fine down here. really, we're okay."

"oh sure! it'll be fine. we'll get it taken care of soon. so listen, i've got to get to the airport but there's one other thing.."

"mmm?"

"i want you to know how proud i am of you. you and your team are working really, really hard - especially you - and i know that. i want to thank you for what you're doing and let you know i really appreciate it. you're doing a wonderful job leading that store right now."

"wow ****, thank you. really. thank you. we're trying."

"i know you are. that's why i wanted to tell you that i'm just..i'm doing a little something for you. i'm going to tack on a bonus to your last check for this month as a way of saying thank you for everything you're working on."

"oh thank you but you don't have to - i mean, i love my job and - "

" -i know i don't have to. listen, i've got to run. i'll talk to you on the conference call, okay? bye chica!"

THAT HAPPENED. that happened between two people who bristled at the mere sight of one another nary a month ago. every awful and false and venomous thing that was ever said to her about me, she is now discovering to be completely untrue. she sees how much i love that store, how much i want to invest in that team. my team are like my kids, which is hilarious considering i'm the youngest one in the store. it's been heartbreaking to be in my position there for the last year and it's not that i am being vindicated now, it's just the joy of people knowing the truth. we just have to keep doing what we're doing, and they just have to keep trusting me to do right by them. we'll be just fine.

i don't even want to talk about what's happening in my life dude-wise right now. it's a clusterfuck. a clusterfuck that i get approximately ZILCH out of. well, zilch if you factor out all of the vagueness and facepalming (1200 miles, cat? really?) and sexual frustration, which yes i prefer to factor out. i am uncertain about many things concerning this and that alone makes my head want to explode because i loathe uncertainty. with a description like that you'd think i was at least seeing someone. but you know what? i'm not seeing anyone. not one single person. and yet, those factors are persistent in my nonexistent love life. something of that calibre of absurdity could only happen to yours truly. i give it 6 more weeks until i follow up my treatise on monogamy with my treatise on depressing masturbation. good god.

i think that's all i can muster for this evening. i will be awake again in 5 hours, whisking around downtown before heading up to the northside for another day of retail prostitution. i'll update again once we hear back about the apartment. hopefully a definite color for the kitchen will come to me in a dream shortly. i don't care what rob says about appetite-inducing colors, i think a deep red would be fabulous.